Thursday, July 15, 2010

And so it goes...

I have no idea why I think pouring my soul out in a blog is acceptable, but I do.  Lately life has handed me a HUGE bucket of lemons.  I feel overwhelmed by just the menial things in life.  Those of you who really know my situation with James and his job(s) know partially why I am so overwhelmed, but that is a private matter I will not discuss on my blog.  I am sorry for not keeping up on comments, I will try and be better.  I just wonder does anyone else ever feel this way?  I feel like the Lord has given me more than I can handle, I have anxiety like no body's business, my kids are OUT OF CONTROL, I am lonely feeling like I have yet to really make a good friend here.  I do have my wonderful and extremely supportive family.  My husband (when he is home) is amazing, but his business is not doing as well as we had hoped.  I just wonder how much more I can take on? 
I keep thinking about the pioneers and am angry with myself at complaining.  Elder Holland said "When suffering we may in fact be nearer to God, than we have ever been in our entire life."  I know that to be true as I have began to pour over my scriptures and pray with new fervency.  I just wish I could hurry up and learn whatever lesson I need to from this trial.  My mom always tells me "it's always the darkest before dawn." and I hope so because I am not sure it can get much darker.  Tomorrow I have an appointment with the doctor again, this time I will not try and 'handle' it all myself (as evidenced by this post I clearly cannot) I just hope and pray that she can help me find the elusive peace I seek. 
I mainly posted this because sometimes I think these blogs make everyone's life look so perfect.  Well guess what mine is not, big surprise!  I know I am never alone and that I am extremely blessed, but I am having a bad month! 

I found this song and was so moved by it I sat down and wept as I listened to the lyrics.  I hope it touches you as it has me!


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No I am not pregnant, infact I think we are done having kids! 

And to top it all off Pressy-boy broke my Bose sound dock again!!!  Really?  I am headed to Costco to pick up an iHome because that is cheaper than fixing the sound dock!

20 comments:

Stefanie said...

You are an amazing woman! I don't think you understand how much I learned from you while you were here. With all that is on your plate now, (just James being gone for work) would probably be cause for a mental break down. I hope it gets better really soon...seriously you are amazing!

Shannon said...

Ditto to what Stefanie said. YOU ARE AN AMAZING WOMAN!!! I miss you!!! Even in the short time that we got to know each other, I learned so much from you.

Sometimes (Ok, A LOT of the time) I feel the Lord has given me WAY more than I can handle. I think everyone feels that way at some point, especially women. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves. And sometimes we don't have a choice, I think. But relying on the Lord through scripture study and prayer is going in the right direction. It may not take away the trial but it does bring a peace in our life.

Love you to pieces!! Keep on keeping on! You'll be in my prayers! Hope the doctor can help you!

The Brousseau Family said...

WOW all I have to say is I am glad there is someone else out there who feels my pain. Sometimes i feel like my kids are the only ones in the world who are beyond what i can handle sometimes and to top it off i have terrible anxiety as well so i hear you. I wish i lived closer cause i feel we do have so much in common. Chin up girl :) you are a great mom and there is always light at the end of the tunnel

Meg said...

I love you Tric! Thank you for posting something that is so deep and not mentioned very often. I too have realized the wonderous life these blogs bring, not the sorrow and real life we all face. Thank you for letting me know that we are all the same and that I am not the only one losing it, every time the clock rings on the hour. Heavenly Father sent that song just for you. Thanks for the message. Good luck.

mrs. potato head said...

what can i say to cheer you up? all i want to do is hug you and tell you to stay strong, that it will all be okay. and that is probably not what you want to hear. it's ok to not be able to do this on your own. to me, that is part of the trial. learning to reach out for help and take a little. coming to the fact that you need help.

remember that we love you. that we want to help you. you mean so much to your family, friends and to your heavenly father and savior.
you have a wonderful husband. he is trying to provide for you because he loves you. your kids are wonderful. i see the way they adore you! dorothy wants to be you, preston loves being your little buddy and violet is a sweetheart.

life is so far from what we expect and envission. don't let that get you down. high expectations are great motivation and also your greatest pressure. pressure to accomplish and create what we want. and if it doesn't happen that can be devistating and frustrating. life is crazy like that. i don't get it and i don't know yet how to overcome it. but i know this... we are here to experience life. to learn all we can. and through our experiences, and even our trials, we learn, grow, understand. (sometimes that is no fun at all, actually, most often it is not fun.)i don't know why things happen only that they do so we can learn and then help others with our knowledge.

tricia, i love you and hope that you can work through this. you have been such a great friend to me. and i agree with everyone when they say you are amazing, because you are. you are a strong wife, a loving mother and a unbelievable friend! if i can help you, please call on me. i just want to see you happy.

mrs. potato head said...

oh, and yes. blogs drive me crazy -it's like the 'good news minute' in relief society. hate that thing. but i think that we share those 'good moments' because they are few and very precious. we have to rally around the good times. it gives us hope. i understand your frustrations. it's ok to vent on your blog. it means you are real! i like real!

Pilar said...

Tricia, mrs. potato head is right. I have also learned so much from ya. You are a hard worker. You are so much fun and I also miss ya!
we all have struggles and things to get better at. You are not alone. For me it has been 3 months since Lucas was born and I am still struggling to adjust to life with two kids and I even wonder if I can handle more kids.(and he's only 3 months old) I feel VERY VERY tired, my house is a mess, and Cora is a challenge. That's why I haven't been posting very much on our blog.
You are doing the right thing seeking help, continue praying. I'll pray for both of us.

Heather said...

I agree with what everyone says. You are awesome, and I know your strengths and your weaknesses. There are so many things I admire about you! I know you can get through anything, and we know that the Lord doesn't give us anything we truly can't handle. I just can't understand what those girls out there are thinking...I guess they haven't gotten to know you, because we are all missing you like crazy here, and they don't realize how good they have it with you right there! Miss you and love you!

J-Leav said...

Tricia, I don't presume to know what you're going through or that I've had any experience that would lend me any great understanding...but I do have something to say! When I run over my list of women who's style, intelligence, class and wit I want to more mirror...you are one of the top. And I know that no matter what it is you are going through, and whenever it will end, you are doing it gracefully...or at least it will always seem graceful, bright and well styled to the rest of us!

Stefanie said...

Hey, I was thinking this morning about how we'll be done and moving in November...and then it hit me. If Tricia is having a hard time making friends I am seriously screwed! You are one of those people that I wish I would have hung out more with because it's always a good time with you. You are one of a kind and will definitely make some friends, if not I am doomed to be friendless forever.

Shauna said...

Tricia, I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time. It's true that everyone usually blogs about the good times and if I were to look at your life through your blogs(especially the one with all your super cute clothes) I would think your life was perfect, but it's refreshing to know that we all have our own struggles. You will get through this! and be a stronger person because of it. Through prayer and scriptures he will truly give you the comfort you need. Hang in there. By the way the song made me cry too...it's a good one, thanks for sharing!

Dad, Mom, and babies said...

Can I add to the list of Tricia admirers. I love you. I love how you have your ways of doing things, but that you totally accept that others have their ways as well. I don't think that our panic attacks are the same, but I do understand being frustrated with them. Some of my darkest hours were in panic attacks, and it took 3 therapists and 1 1/2 years til I really found stuff that worked for me. All the while, Drew was gone insane hours everyday and doing church stuff and it was overwhelming. I am sorry that you have to deal with a lot of this "on your own", I say it that way because you and I both know that the Lord will not leave you (which is way easier said than understood and felt) but it is true. I will be praying for you and I hope that you find the answers you are praying for.

jscardon said...

Uggghhh! Don't feel bad!! I don't think anyone is able to handle everything thrown their way all of the time. I guess that's why opposition is so great-- it's what helps you appreciate when life is good. I can totally appreciate how crappy moving and starting a whole new life and a job can be, and wanting to find friends!!:) Just keep counting those blessing and hang in there!!

Heidi said...

Tricia, I totally love and admire that you chose to be so "real" and blog about what's going on! Every life has it's up and downs and inbetweens and it's really low-downs...blogs usually only do show the ups. I'm sorry you are going through a rough patch...you are a strong, faithful woman and I know you will come out even stronger and better on the other side of this trial!

Tyson and Stephanie said...

Hi Tricia, hang in there. I think we all have those moments in life that we want to pass by quickly because they are so hard, but yet we learn so much from them. I know you realize that. Don't get down on yourself! You are amazing, I've always thought that - you inspire me! I hope things get better and brighter for you soon!

Elise said...

I am so sorry you are having a bad month. Things with your practice will get better, it is so hard to start up your own. I hope things start to look up for you!

beckyprof said...

I can understand what you are going through.... Justin has Fibro and is usually on the couch, so it is like he is gone for work for days at a time. I usually don't look forward to him coming home at times, cause I know it isn't a break... I know that when I am having a day like you are having, it helps to just get off my butt and be there for the kids and do the things I don't want to do. Another thing that helps is to put them in a different room by themselves and take time for each kid separately. They are always better when they have your undivided attention and it makes you feel good to see how good they are. Sometimes a nice drive in the car with a dvd playing is a nice way to relax!
I know you have heard this before, but the Lord doesn't give more than you can handle. The kids are still alive and well taken care of, right?!? :) I think if you couldn't handle it you would be put in a looney bin or something. Tomorrow is a new day... do something different. Get up before the kids do and do yoga or something relaxing to get ready for the day. Hang in there! I know it is tough. I don't know if you have heard this saying, but, "The days are long, and the years are short." You'll be retired before you know it! Hang in there!!

Shonna said...

You're doing great, Tricia. I hope the Dr. was able to help. You and your sweet family will be in my prayers.

Kathy Rose said...

Tricia, you really are an amazing woman!! I hope and pray that things get better for you soon.

The Sampietro's said...

We all feel this at times! Everything you described i have felt! Hang in there girl!